Reviews of The Phoenix Minority 5

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  Mediocrity Indeed
  A review of The Phoenix Minority
  by andreimarko on 09/08/2003
  It's an extraordinarly difficult thing to "write intellectuals", for lack of a better term. Characters who are meant to be supremely gifted and educated simply cannot be written by those who are not. Don't misunderstand, that isn't meant as a swipe to the authors...it's actually a much more specific comment than that: for example, one of your characters is meant to be an... It's an extraordinarly difficult thing to "write intellectuals", for lack of a better term. Characters who are meant to be supremely gifted and educated simply cannot be written by those who are not. Don't misunderstand, that isn't meant as a swipe to the authors...it's actually a much more specific comment than that: for example, one of your characters is meant to be an extraordinarily capable computer scientist and environmental scientist. And yet his "idea" for a perpetual motion anti-pollution filtering device is completely ludicrous. As I imagine this story is meant for a smart audience, this sort of problem would not go unnoticed...it would be laughed off the screen, to be completely candid. Also, the character Mal's "Leopold & Loeb" act in the courtroom makes him completely disgusting and unsympathetic...a/k/a: "the real tragedy here is not the loss of human life, but the loss of genius, you ignorant plebs". That speech, despite its intention, makes it seem as if Mal really DIDN'T have any human feelings for his friends, not more than the average person as the intention seems to have been. It is possible to "write intellectuals" well and effectively, but unfortunately these authors would have to try again. read
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  Brilliance Is A Curse, Who Knew?
  A review of The Phoenix Minority
  by MAW on 08/29/2003
  So geniuses going to university are tortured and imperfect, while the humanity that surrounds them are scum at the bottom the human pond. It sounds like an amplified extension of a highscool scenario, except there appear to be no intellectuals in the mix. In such an exceptional group of individuals, I would have expected some or at least one of them to sound as though they... So geniuses going to university are tortured and imperfect, while the humanity that surrounds them are scum at the bottom the human pond. It sounds like an amplified extension of a highscool scenario, except there appear to be no intellectuals in the mix. In such an exceptional group of individuals, I would have expected some or at least one of them to sound as though they had a higher knowledge of the english language, but all the characters demonstrated only rudimentary language skills, making it harder for me to accept them as supposedly exceptionally gifted in intellect. The dialogue clunked along through repetition and inumerable cases of telling instead of showing, or spending too much time explaining things we didn't need to know, while leaving other bits of descriptive lacking detail. There seemed to be titillation in place of story development, but I thought the ping-pong balls were an interesting motif, and the premise of persecuted geniuses on campus could be quite interesting. read
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  A Few Problems
  A review of The Phoenix Minority
  by pbutter on 07/22/2003
  The premise that genius is thwarted througout history and so you therefore wrote a script about a modern, current generation of geniuses and tried to show how society would make their ability to exist peacefully impossible is a creative one. But there are a few problems with the script. How did all of them get to know each other? Also, dialogue throughout this script is... The premise that genius is thwarted througout history and so you therefore wrote a script about a modern, current generation of geniuses and tried to show how society would make their ability to exist peacefully impossible is a creative one. But there are a few problems with the script. How did all of them get to know each other? Also, dialogue throughout this script is often monologue-ish, with setence after sentence spoken without interruption by characters who explain their innermost emotions, the result being that the screenplay often sounds stilted. Like when Lucy explains how much she loves Mike, or Mal explains how much he loves his friends...the dialogue with scenes like this is more tell, less show. And some of the characters (Webb, Alter, Jen, etc...) are way too evil for almost no reason. But you're working with an interesting premise. If I were you two I'd just narrow the focus, try not to have so many protagonists, and read the dialogue out loud to see if it sounds like it would work spoken by actors. read
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  Concept just doesn't play out
  A review of The Phoenix Minority
  by tobyger14 on 06/29/2003
  Yje logline sounded okay. The script just doesn't deliver though. I couldn't relate to any of the characters. They seemed forced and cliche. their dialogue unnatural. There is a lot of exposition in the script and the plot seems to have a life of it's own with no structure. My advice would be to focus more clearly on one or two characters and thier story and let the others... Yje logline sounded okay. The script just doesn't deliver though. I couldn't relate to any of the characters. They seemed forced and cliche. their dialogue unnatural. There is a lot of exposition in the script and the plot seems to have a life of it's own with no structure. My advice would be to focus more clearly on one or two characters and thier story and let the others be subplots. Its confusing with so many sinilar characters. There is a lot of long speeches and vo's. I think you should cut back on the telling of the story through dialogue and show more of it through action. Also the names Jen and Jane are too similar for major characters. I kept mixing them up. Mal's defense is way too long and drawn out. The murders kind of come out of nowhere and really change the feel of the script. Maybe if it was darker earlier it would work better. I can see this as a dark comedy, but I think it still needa a lot of work. Keep writing and good luck. read
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  SCATTERBRAIN
  A review of The Phoenix Minority
  by Greg Stewart on 05/18/2003
  This was a hard story to follow. Why were these genius kids in a regular school? That didn't make sense to me. There was the new Shakespeare, the new Leonardo and one who just invented a system to stop global warming. The media would be all over them, they wouldn't be there. Secondly we have no real sense of their genius. We are told what they are, but nothing they do or say... This was a hard story to follow. Why were these genius kids in a regular school? That didn't make sense to me. There was the new Shakespeare, the new Leonardo and one who just invented a system to stop global warming. The media would be all over them, they wouldn't be there. Secondly we have no real sense of their genius. We are told what they are, but nothing they do or say or backs that up. In real life maybe genius people are this way but in drama we have to have some sense of their genius enter the script for it to be believable. Its not enough just to say what they've done. The theme of genius has invade the script more. There should be more build up to the exclusion/isolation idea that caps the story off. The murder scene with Mike being left with the gun is a cliche and should be rethought. Also where tensions are built through some deceit or betrayal they are knocked away by a subsequent event that renders them redundant e.g. Lucy's going to be caught cheating, but then she's dead so it doesn't matter. I think the basic story should start again from scratch. Get it stronger and keep only the scenes that relate to the theme, e.g. the love tangles don't need to be as prominent if your theme is mediocrity vs genius. read